Day 10 of 31: Body Love Yoga Challenge {Dark Truth}

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Only in Darkness

 

 

You know I almost didn’t blog.

And I almost didn’t do yoga.

And then I reached out.  I texted my brother.  I connected with a dear friend.

I turned on my friend Shari’s Yoga Nidra CD and surrendered.

Surrendered to the pain.  the discomfort. the confusion and the sadness.

 

 
 

Yes that is my life as of late.  It’s so easy to share when life is great. When we feel on top of our game.  When our successes outweigh our failures.  But what about in the times of darkness?

I know in the past I never let on.  I’d cover up the pain with a smile, my need to talk with questions for you.

I almost wasn’t going to share tonight and then my friend said ‘nobody likes perfect. we can’t relate’ and I thought of how much I have tried to be ‘perfect’ throughout my life. And of course never EVER living up to my idea of perfect – never looking perfect enough, never being skinny enough, never being fun enough, smart enough, just never enough.

We live in a society where we idealize perfection – we boast and color our lives like a mirage.  We talk about the great times, we share our best photos, our upcoming trips, our latest accomplishments {I have done all of the above and then some of course}, but we all know there’s so much in between our highlight reels that we don’t share.  I heard recently this – ‘Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides.

I feel like that could be the motto for this decade. We are entrenched in a society of baloney, of movies, of make believe.

I didn’t want to write tonight.

As I lay on the floor sobbing over the state of my emotions, my life – wondering where it went wrong.  I thought about all of you.  I thought about the inspiration each of you have given me in your posts, your phone calls, your emails and your texts over the last ten days.  It amazes me.  How much we all yearn for community and for connection and yet how hard it can be for so many to connect.

I have learned over the past year that true connection occurs in moments of sheer terror, pure pain and utter helplessness.  In these vulnerable moments we give someone else a gift of permission to share their truth.  I hope that each of you know in your moments of darkness that you are not alone – that someone, somewhere is lying right there next to you crying their little eyes out to.

So much love, light + pure gratitude to each of you for joining me on this journey and truly being present; it amazes, inspires and completely delights me.  Thank you xxoo

Jamie

A beautiful song for each of you during the good and the dark times…Xavier Rudd, one of my new musical favs – enjoy :)

**A poem courtesy of my dear friend I have yet to meet Leslie Laya Raznick:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations, though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
but little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver, Dream Work, Grove Atlantic Inc., 1986 & New and Selected Poems, Beacon Press, 1992.

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6 responses »

  1. It was a difficult day yesterday on my end, too. My partner and I care for his mother who lives in a “mother in law” apartment next door to us, it is becoming increasingly difficult, and all three of us know it. She wasn’t well yesterday, woke us up yelling for our help. I spent time with her for many hours at her apartment, just being company and looking over her. I wrote a letter to a good friend, drew a mandala, both which calmed my mind of the ensuing responsibilities and worries.

    When I knew that she was almost asleep in the chair, I moved her walker to the side of the tiny living room and began moving my body, I did a few of my favorite qi gong exercises, and then I did a few yoga poses, uttanasana (standing half forward bend) http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/2490 and some arm stretches. Poses and movements that were go-tos. Poses that were easy to do in a small space, (as our big dog was laying on the floor, too.) That is the thing about having a “practice.” We “practice” something (yoga) so that when we REALLY need it, and we are losing ourselves, we can surrender, and it is there, and our body remembers, and falls in line. “Practicing” isn’t about the colorful yoga mat, cool gear, and the perfect studio, although those things do make us feel good and help facilitate our commitment; it is REALLY about having the “know-how” in our bones, in our cellular memory, so that when we crash, and when we are immersed in worry, we can land in ourselves.

    This everyday practice has been a touch-stone during the difficulties of the past 11 days. The practice grounds me in myself, with that grounding, things needing healing have been able to come to the surface. I didn’t have my yoga mat with me, I wasn’t planning on doing any yoga yesterday, once I knew it was going to be a difficult day, I guess you could say that I didn’t “do yoga,” but yoga did me. My practice showed up for a couple of minutes yesterday, amidst the uncertainty of the future, amidst worry and weary.

    Jamie, thanks for your blog, please know that it inspired me to tell this story, which goes hand in hand with your journey. Sending love and light today and always, Jill

    • Wow Jill. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing. Not only your story, but your AMAZING insights. You are so right this practice that we are all creating together isn’t about the studios or choreographed classes it truly is about finding our own unique experience that brings us back in alignment with not only our bodies, but also our most divine self. It sounds like you were able to do that yesterday with your mother-in-law. I am so SO proud of you for taking care of yourself when you could have gone another route – feeling sorry, telling yourself why you didn’t need/have to do yoga that day. You really inspire me because I have found myself in the pity party mode and your story is reminding me of the real reason I created this challenge – to create space and awareness to find peace within. I am so thankful for your sharing – Amazing. I hope today was a better day and you found the same sense of grounding and comfort in your practice?? So much love, Jamie

  2. I think we are all connecting with your story Jaime. I just think it is the show of your incredible strength that you are willing to share it with all of us – and yes, I know you don’t feel strong right now- but that is what I see and others see. That is also why this feels so spiritually difficult, because you feel disconnected from your Divine Self – We SEE your Divine Self though. Doing yoga like Jill and you are doing, allows us to reach into ourselves and connect even when we don’t feel capable. Good stuff! Keep sharing and reaching into your truth… you are at a precious moment for yourself – treat yourself preciously … Love and Light…Barbara

    • Oh sweet Barbara thank you. I must say I was having a REAL case of too much sharing overload or as Brene Brown says – vulnerability hangover. There is such a part of me that wants to sugar coat it all and blog all happy go lucky shenanigans but then I wouldn’t be being true to the journey which is what I committed to when I embarked on this challenge. Little did I know what it had in store for me; if I had I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it…. ;-) Thank you for the continued support. Do you practice yoga? So much love, Jamie

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